Monday, November 19, 2007

Terrors of the Turkey

Hello readers,

Well, it's the week of Thanksgiving. Yes, in only two short days, families all over the county will be sitting down to give God some SERIOUSLY overdue credit. It's that spectacular time of year when folks will try to ramble off everything that's happened to them over the past few months because they live too far away from their relatives and can't visit on a regular basis. As early as 9 AM, the highways will be jam-packed with over sized mini-vans full of crazy people who didn't get out of the house in time to beat rush hour (heck, even rush hour trying to sneak out early and can't even beat ITSELF). For many, this is the LAST thing they want to be apart of. I mean, honestly, could you REALLY look forward to a day when folks you haven't seen in who knows how long, come over and nearly eat all of your food? I've already sent out advanced emails to the family declaring my dorm room OFF LIMITS....unless they're in the mood for a Thanksgiving dinner consisting of saltine crackers, with some peanut butter, orange juice and Fig Newtons. I've only got one can of chunky soup left, and I'm saving it for an emergency.

And speaking of emergencies, that's exactly the kind of situation we're going to have on our hands AFTER the holiday is over! I am, of course, referring to a social crisis that you can only get by living in a capitalist society: shopping sales. Let's be realistic, mothers all over the US are drawing up battle plans for the imminent "D-Day" that's fast approaching. Several key establishments (aka "Target Zones") have already began fortifying themselves to repel the invasion of MPPCFs (money-packed-purse-carrying-females). THESE gals are the Navy Seals of the middle class. They can turn a family of one husband and three kids (maybe a dog) into a kick-butt band of cutthroat coupon commandos! So your son is only five years old? Ha! Ten seconds in parking lot at Wal-Mart and he'll be climbing on people to get that last container of yogurt because your geek cousin Phil "The Pill" Martin is lactose intolerant and can't eat ice cream for dessert.

Wait a sec....I got a great idea! This whole thing could solve the problem in Iraq! All we have to do is turn these 8+ million people loose in Pakistan, Iraq, Syria and Arabia, and have them use credit cards to buy out all of the terrorists' weapons! Why hasn't the CIA come up with this yet? If you can't beat em, buy em out! Just monpolize the black market and leave them with nothing but crappy rubber band guns, Nerf darts, and cherry bombs. Heh, strap THOSE on and try to blow up someone you rotten jihaders! I know what you're thinking: "They're hiding in caves." And all I can say is that you OBVIOUSLY don't know what a fully-trained MPPCF can do. Armed with a list, extra cell phone minutes, speed dial, and high heel shoes (Yes, high heels. The constant clicking against the tile floor warns civilians to get out of the way and avoid the cross-fire. It's a federal requirement.), they can find ANYTHING! So what if there are no more fat-free Oreos on the shelf? If the sales representative doesn't specifically say, "We do not have that item in stock," they have it, and they're about to lose it for 30% off the retail value.

The most annoying thing about after-holiday sales are those BORING commercials they show on TV. Every store you could possibly find in a phonebook seems to have something going on. Why? They're trying to avoid taking the blunt of the invasion by dumping it all on their competition. I mean, COME ON, you'd have to be one crazy store manager to invite that kind of punishment on your employees. The psychological damage that results is nearly irreversible. Bars owners have learned that even tripling their stock doesn't provide enough alcohol to stabilize each veteran that comes along. Those guys need a lot of juice.

"So, Ed, who were you with?"

"Best Buy, morning shift, 2nd CSP (customer service platoon), video game aisle."

"Woah, dude. Barkeep, set him up another one on me. What happened out there? I heard you boys got hit pretty hard."

"It was Hell man. The shift manager was down only ten minutes after the action started. The Geek Squad had to drag him behind the counter before they could get him to calm down."

"God have mercy!"

"Th...those moms, they were everywhere! Jumping out of the aisles, jumping out of the freking AISLES, man!"

"Poor chap."

"Here's to Benny. Newly released DVD's won't be the same without you."

Unfortunately, medical science has yet to find a way to protect clerks from such effects. Although group prep sessions have been clinically proven to help reduce the severity of the damage, this is a dangerous game, and new methods of cruel and unusual punishment are introduced each year. Thankfully, there's one safeguard that many stores now have in place: time limits. That's right, the sales are only good for about two hours for one day in the entire week.

*breaths* Well, in all seriousness, Thanksgiving IS a great time to celebrate this country we live in and the numberless blessings God Almighty has afforded to us. If you're having trouble thinking of things to be thankful for, just look around. You'll notice that our women don't have to cover their faces and walk twenty feet BEHIND the man they're with. You won't have to pray three times a day towards a city in the east you may have never been to. You don't even have to know which way east IS! But remember, there are those who have to work just because they got the short straw, or maybe they don't have a family to celebrate with period! And let's not forget the brave men and women who have to eat dinner in tents because they're overseas.

So while you're out in all the madness this week, do everyone a favor and be extra nice. Sure, it may be funny as crap to watch some poor ol sap get trampled like a bug in a heard of wildebeest at the mall, but wait till you're at least fifty feet away before laughing at them. I hope you all have a safe, turkey-stuffed Thanksgiving.

Power to the pen and those who set it down to count their blessings!

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