Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Crossed and Killed Over

Hey again everyone,

Thanksgiving is over and I'm about a hundred pounds heavier, but it was all in chocolate covered almonds so I ain't complaining. Still working on Lunar Dawn when I can, and I've almost broken the 100 page mark. After two more weeks, finals will be over and I'll get to chill at home on a long Christmas break. Hopefully, my juices will start flowing better and I'll be able to knock a good chunk of it out. My holiday was very nice. I got to see my little bro and FINALLY was able to play Halo 3, Bioshock and Guitar Hero III (which is nowhere NEAR as good as II, except for a very few songs). It was really nice to see all of the family from out of state, and I had duck for the first time in my life, which was just absolutely delicious. But all this cheer was all put on the back burner when I discovered that the Hollywood crap machine was spitting out another shameless slop job of a movie.

Over the break I got around to buying the DVD of Alien. It was a film released in 1979 directed by Ridley Scott (surprisingly, the same man who had me shaking my head with American Ganster). If you love science fiction and horror, then this movie is for you. The basic plot follows the journey of a commercial spaceship, the Nostromo, as it makes its way to Earth with millions of tons of mineral ore. The crew is rerouted to investigate a mysterious transmission of unknown origin and class. Upon doing so, they accidentally allow a hostile life form on board that rapidly grows into a deadly creature. Even though it's rated R, the violence and language are considerably tame compared to today's movies, so I still HIGHLY recommend it.

So why am I writing a bad review on Alien? Well I'm not, I'm writing a review on the bad people who had abused the franchise. After Alien in '79, there was a sequel: Aliens, followed by Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection, but the latter two films were not nearly as well-received as their predecessors. In 1990 the film Predator (starring our favorite Californian: Arnold. It's funny, if you ever see a movie poster for this film, his last name takes up the entire top line) was released in theaters. It only spawned one sequel, but would also fall victim to the same cruel vice against fans I am about to reveal.

Both films were such monumental hits that fans were screaming for more. In 2004, they got more both franchises in the movie Alien vs Predator. Now for those who had seen Freddy vs Jason, they may have been able to predict what was coming (Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street were both regarded as excellent horror films by themselves, but the cross-over only gained a 40% approval rating). Concerning AVP, there isn't much to say. Two alien races come to Earth for one thing: carnage. They get plenty of it as humans are whacked off right and left. The concept is OKAY at the most: the Predators like to hunt powerful animals that are challenging to kill, and since the Alien race is nearly invincible, it's assumed they were after the ultimate prey. At the end, the battle between the two is technically inconclusive, but it DOES leave an opening for another film. But with so much negative criticism from fans and a sharp financial decline after only ONE WEEK of showing, would they really want to go on?

Well guess what? On Christmas Day of this year, AVP 2 is scheduled to be released in theaters. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The first one wasn't that great, why push your luck? Isn't it BAD when you lose money?

This article is meant to chase after crossovers in general. When a big hit like Alien or Predator comes out, I fell that it's better off left alone to bask in its own, glorious aura. Works like that are so great because...well that's it! They stand on their own two feet apart from the mainstream. But put two works like that together and something in the film-making formula just goes all screwy. When they were separate, the creatures had a mysterious appeal to them and that helped make them scary. Revealing all there is to know about them? Eh...maybe in the sequel, MAYBE after lots of searching and following shady clues, but why reduce them to mere grunts in large armies going after each other?

It's just like those crappy, black and white movies where King Kong goes against Godzilla time after time and no one dies. In the original films, the monsters were these great, legendary beasts that no other creature on Earth could match....except ANOTHER legendary beast that no other...see where I'm going with this? It diminishes the glimmer of what the filmmakers wanted to portray as awe-inspiring.

The Marvel comics are just as guilty (might as well include DC, Vertigo, and some others), but there are over 100 characters in each series so that means there are about 10,000 possible comment...

Just because the first installment of the series (maybe the second) is good, the series can still be butchered beyond belief. The original Friday the 13th was a movie that became so popular it knocked The Empire Strikes Back off of its proper place at the #1 slot! There's a difference between senseless slashers and interesting crime films (such as Thomas Harris' Silence of the Lambs or John Carpenter's Halloween. Try comparing them to crap like Saw or Hostel) so I bet the original 13th wasn't bad. But its mass praise spawned a seemingly never-ending span of sequels that downgraded it from being special and transformed it into the cliche murder/massacre crap we've been getting non-stop ever since. The full story was told in three films. If they did such a good job with just three, why'd they have to go further? What were they thinking (more like, what were they NOT thinking)?!

Now, there is one exception, and it's a video game called Kingdom Hearts. Many famous Disney characters and other game personalities (such as Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockheart, etc.) make an appearance in this massive alchemy. But the catch is that it involves inter-dimensional travel, therefore, isolating the original worlds of each character. It was a good move, because it doesn't distort the back story and makes for an interesting combination of side-quests. The series has gotten lots of praise, but since I don't own a PS 2, I can't say from personal experience.

So what about CRAPPY cross-overs? Well, AVP 2 is the only film on the horizon that's been confirmed, so I've compiled a list to give the Hollywood hacks a few ideas:

Rocky vs Cinderella Man (I honestly don't know who'd win.....)

Harry Potter vs Earthsea

Lord of the Rings vs Eragon (Oh crap, somebody please kill me now...)

Master Cheif vs Samus Aran (The ULTIMATE battle of the sexes...)

Talledega Nights vs Blade of Glory (Yeah, an all-out fag fest....great...)

Star Wars vs Star Trek: The Borg against the Droids (What, no Jedi Knights?)

Resident Evil vs Doom (Demons from Hell against zombies? Hmm...)

Constantine vs The Exorcist

Jonny Cash vs Ray (Heck, why not?)

Lassie vs Old Yeller (Call the Humane Society...)

Home Alone vs Dennis the Menace

Okay, I think I'm getting carried away....just a little. Anyway, my point has been made. Hope you all are enjoying yourselves and survived the after-holiday sales. I was out there for only a little bit, but it was brutal *shiver*

Power to the pen and those who protect their life's work's dignity with it!

1 comment:

  1. Anyone who's stupid enough to try and compare LOTR with Eragon needs to be beaten to a bloody pulp and run over with a semi. It's like comparing a mountain to a peice of fluff. Or Amy Lee's angelic voice to Hillary Clinton's...noise she uses to communicate. It's just ridiculous.